By now, I'm sure you've all heard the story about the pet chimp in Connecticut (the rumors that he was an ACLU lawyer are unfounded) who attacked a woman. Well, on the heels of that comes another warning about how your love for your pets may in fact be unrequited. Take heed. (What follows has been circulating throughout the Internet.)
Day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and myself are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The audacity!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released --and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded! The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe . . . for now . . . .
It made me laugh!
Thanks
Posted by: Shaun | February 20, 2009 at 05:28 PM
Hey! This is supposed to follow the excerpt from "A dog's diary", playing on the perceived disparity between a dog's intelligence and a cat's intelligence... hopefully you've seen the full version at some time... :)
Posted by: W. Tieff | February 20, 2009 at 06:25 PM
Funny stuff, but what about the tragedy in Connecticut? That woman is a lunatic but the animal is dead and her friend is left mutilated and traumatized. Are there not insane asuylums anymore? And why isn't Nancy Pelosi Exhibit A?
Posted by: Philip France | February 21, 2009 at 02:09 AM
In a strange twist of fate, Socks (The Clinton administrations pet) the cat died the same day this article was published. Found not as a surprise, Sock's diary has gone missing. Secratary of State and former First Lady, Hillary Clinton had no comment on the missing diary.
Posted by: Walt | February 21, 2009 at 02:42 PM
The question is Walt, what did Socks know? And was his death due to natural causes? Someone should investigate this.
Posted by: John | February 22, 2009 at 04:51 AM
Did Socks die in Marcy Park or was she in a mysterious plane crash? And were classified documents in Socks' socks?
Posted by: Philip France | February 22, 2009 at 01:54 PM