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Top Ten Things Putin Said to Obama about Ukraine

By Selwyn Duke

While Barack Obama’s recent telephone conversation with Russian president Vladimir Putin about the Crimean standoff has been widely reported, the exact substance of the discussion has remained a mystery.

That is, until now.

Owing to highly placed confidential sources, I’m pleased to report that I have become privy to some of the details of their talk. What follows are the top ten things Putin said to Obama:

Obama's Teleprompter Joins the Occupy Wall Street Movement

Reader Email: Turn Back the Rahmulans! (A Satire by a Nerd)

After their sweeping Proconsul victory of the “Cap and Trade” bill, led by Chief Proconsul Nazi Pelosi, at the urging of Rahmulan Emanuel, it appears the Rahmulans and Prater Obama have been turned back and have been forced to their side of the neutral zone — for a time.  The Rahmulans started their incursion into the neutral zone back on January 20^th, with the inauguration of their figurehead Prater Obama.  Cloaked in ambiguity, platitudes and faux-altruism, the Rahmulans struck fast, knowing that their numbers and intellect were far inferior to the Vulconservatives.  Although hardly a victory for the Vulconservatives, the most recent Rahmulan assault on the Universe, via Universal Health Care has been turned back, even at the urge to forge ahead by Rahmulan himself.  The Vulconservatives first goal is to expose the Rahmulan cloaking devices, so they can be seen for what they are; tyrants and villains.  Also part of the Vulconservative plan is once the cloak starts to weaken, assault the enemy with logic, reason and Truth.  Such an assault will surely unite the Federation and insure victory. 

The New Obama Song: "Obama Man" by Greg Morton
While Barack Obama's rending of America certainly is no laughing matter, this song about the subject certainly is clever and amusing.  Someone sent it to me just a little while ago, and it did give me some laughs.  It's sung to the tune of "Candy Man."  Enjoy.

It’s Time for a Greed Czar

By Selwyn Duke

With the recent passage of the “TARP bonus” bill, it’s obvious that our politicians are finally serious about tackling the problem of greed.  It’s about time, too.  We’ve long had “hate crime” laws, so one had to wonder when the next deadly sin would make it on the legislative agenda.

How to Use Your Children to Annoy a Liberal

By Selwyn Duke

Since liberals place a premium on tolerance, the loving and charitable thing to do is help them develop it.  Note here that, unbeknownst to many, tolerance involves enduring something considered to be a negative.  We don’t tolerate a fine meal or a nice car, for instance; we relish such things.  But we might have to tolerate bad weather, a cold or Nancy Pelosi.  Now, since liberals actually perceive a great many positive things to be negative, placing them in situations wherein they may cultivate tolerance is not difficult.

Reader Email — The Fetal Position: A Prospective

Dateline Royter’s 3/10/2011-

In a plea for continuing funding for her research, Dr. Elita Desdemona (senior research coordinator at Harvard) asked President Obama this week to “please continue and enhance the governments funding of embryonic stem cell research.”

In her 1500 page report, Dr. Desdemona cited, “although we have not, to this day, delivered to humanity a cure for cancer, diabetes or Parkinson’s disease, it is very important that we continue our work.”  She continued, “You just never know when the day may come when a discovery will be made that will change life on earth as we know it.  Imagine the day when there will be no disease, no sickness; the great minds of this world could live on.”

Black Official Wants Test Made Easier for Blacks; Likens Blacks to Athletes, Not Students

By Selwyn Duke

What do you think of this reasoning: If a given group doesn't perform as well as other groups on a test, then the exam is by definition discriminatory and should be discarded?  This is the rationale that was applied to police-department exams in the 1970s in a bizarre application of government civil-rights legislation.  It was part of a social-engineering effort to get more women and minorities on police forces and is why we now have a diversity within the ranks that has given us, among other things, miniature cops.  I'm not even kidding.  Some years ago in New York City I saw a 12-year-old girl going to a costume party dressed as a police officer.  Or at least I thought I did, until I got closer and realized she was a member of New York's, uh, Finest.

Daily Mail: White boy, 12, suspected of being Islamic extremist recruit after he showed beheading videos to classmates

By Selwyn Duke

It's now well-known that the mainstream media studiously avoids identifying the race or ethnicity of criminals or terrorists.  When Moslems riot, for instance, usually absent from articles on the subject is any reference to the religious classification of the rioters.  Used instead is a characterization such as the generic "youths."  "Two-hundred 'youths' rioted in protest of police measures," a paper may write.  I have found an interesting exception to this practice, however, in a Daily Mail article in which they seem to take pains to identify a terrorist suspect as a white, "fair-haired" lad.